me if i ever get to know my celebrity crush
- (A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)
- Angry Customer: “Damn f**s.”
- Gay Man: “Excuse me?”
- Angry Customer: “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”
- Gay Man: *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”
- Angry Customer: “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”
- (The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)
- Angry Customer: *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”
- (Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)
- Owner: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”
- Wife: “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”
- Owner: “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”
- (The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)
Health and hygiene before modern times
- EUROPE: Why the fuck are we always getting sick? Is it demons? Is it ghosts? Is it a curse?
- EVERYBODY ELSE: Have you tried washing your ass?
- White people: You have to wait for the facts before you talk about Ferguson!
- Eyewitnesses: He was on his knees with his hands up.
- Medical examiner: There was no gunpowder residue on Mike Brown, no sign of struggle, and there were entry wounds on the inside of his arms and the top of his head, implying he was on his knees with his hands up.
- Convenience store owner and clerk: There was no robbery and we didn't call the cops.
- Ferguson PD: Okay, we admit it, Wilson didn't know anything happened at the convenience store and we determined no crime was committed.
- White people: Nobody can say what happened! We still have to wait for the facts to come in!
The World’s Most Wonderful Bookstores!
Poplar Kid’s Republic
Shakespeare & Co. Antiquarian Books
Cook and Book
El Ateneo Grand Splendid
Buenos Aires, Argentina
"Call no man happy until he is dead."
Solon (via observando)